I just threw up on my dentist
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
