I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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