it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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