The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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