I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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