His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
