Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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