We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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