I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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