Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize