Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Yo dont text me then not text me
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
