His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
