I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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