a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
