I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
