There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
