You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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