So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
