Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
