No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
