did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I have aggressive nipples.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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