my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Randomize
