I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
