I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
