Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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