I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
