And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
