I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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