i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
