Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Randomize
