WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
