my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
