Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
