I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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