oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
