Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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