im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
