1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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