i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
