The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
