I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
