he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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