and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
When did angry sex become our thing?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
