My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
