i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
