2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
