oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
