Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
