textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Randomize
