i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
