I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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