At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
