chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
