If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
We smell like vodka and hangover
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