I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
