just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
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The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
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Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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