I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
